Movie Rants – where I rant about movies I’ve seen

Now that I’m watching movies again (thank you mommy for my functioning beautiful iPad) I’m thinking I need to start a series of rants on movies on this blog. I am of course watching them alone so I feel the need to complain about the stupid shit I see in films to someone. That someone is going to have to be you I’m afraid.

I have a deep, unabiding love for monster movies. The stupider the better. Usually these things are low budget but sometimes Hollywood makes an effort to make high budget ones and make them serious which usually ends up with something like this:

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Aaaaaaaaaaargh!

 Godzilla 2014

OMG this movie. Can I point out that the only reason Aaron Taylor-Johnson is still alive by the end of it is because he is incredibly slow? As in stopping and staring every time something happens slow? For minutes on end? It might be a good survival strategy in real life but in a movie being the total opposite of Quicksilver makes him just seem – well – not quite as heroic as he is supposed to be.

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Everyone can see what’s coming Aaron. You are sloooooooow!

Elizabeth Olsen (hey there second Maximoff twin) plays his wife and is a nurse i think, but I’m just gonna pretend she is a doctor to counteract some of the tropes. The kid that plays Sam, their kid is – I believe – supposed to be charming and cute, but like almost every other human in this story is – well – not (except the lost japanese kid. He was cute). Aaron spends most of the movie trying to reach them in San Francisco after meeting one of the Motos in Japan, seeing Bryan Cranston die, meeting Godzilla on Hawaii, getting almost stomped on by Mrs. Moto in Nevada and getting almost stomped on by all three in San Francisco.

The “experts” Ken Watanabe and Sally Hawkins are just way too overly emotional and dramatic to take seriously. In a movie that takes itself very seriously. Why can’t Sally be the competent one? It’s just so annoying. You root for the military guys and that’s just wrong in a monster movie. They are never right. The only human hero in this freaking film is the bus driver that saves the kids on the bridge (including Sam, not that anyone cares) by driving them of it when everyone else is standing around staring at Godzilla and the Motos.

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The wife and I are starting a familyyyyyy!

The tone of the thing is VERY serious all the way through. There isn’t a single joke or fun person in the entire two hours. Not even Bryan Cranston. Which is in the movie. The 1998 Godzilla was cheesy as hell but I love that movie with all my heart just because Jean Reno is in it. I love Jean Reno. There were jokes in that movie. lots of jokes. And Jean Reno. I miss that movie.

The monsters are great though. I wish they were on screen more. And stomped a bit more on the slooooooow one.

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This is a better Godzilla.

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